All Saints Day... NOOOOOOO!

What's up cable television? Didn't want to play any reasonably scary movies this Halloween weekend? Jaya and I spent most of the weekend talking about and watching terrible movies. Here's a list of the sad, SAD movies we endured this Halloween and All Saints Day (blaaagg... dry heave. you'll see why) holiday: +Halloween (2007 Rob Zombie version): We caught the movie about an 30 minutes in and it wasn't horrible, I guess, but J and I realized we like our killings done with more "passion" and to be a bit more gory. Stabby-stab doesn't do it for me anymore. +The Uninvited: YAAAAAWWWWNNNN fest. We actually watched the entire movie and alls I got to say is, STOP TRYING TO REMAKE ASIAN HORROR FILMS, AMERICA!! Just watch the Korean original, "A Tale of Two Sisters." It gets confusing as shit somewhere towards the end but it's still miles better than facial close-ups of that "Lemony Snickett" girl mouthbreathing. +The Messengers: YAAAAAWWWWNNNN fest pt. II. We watched only 3/4 of the movie and that was more than enough to make me want to slit my wrists. Why, in the year 2006, would anyone, especially a family, hire A DRIFTER? And I totally called out the "Kristen Stewart got drunk and muted her baby brother" plot story five minutes into the opening scene. +Boondock Saints Part II: All Saints Day: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! We didn't watch it but we talked about the first one and the newly released (and "highly anticipated") sequel over lunch and NO THANK YOU JAYA. I'll wait for it to become a "cult success" first, Troy Duffy. +Death Race: J was too angry and tired after all that bad movie watching to stay awake for the only watchable film (save for Halloween 2007- I'll rent and watch the entire movie another time) I saw this weekend. It's got Jason Statham doing what? SURPRISE: Racing cars. I get it and he does it well (not with the emoting, just the whole racing cars deal). An Tyrese Gibson as a possible gay prisoner/racer/friend who DEFACES HIS FACE WITH HASH MARKS? I get it. If I can watch Cannonball, I can watch anything. Count me in. Up next, Suspiria!

All pictures via Google Images

"Looks like he eats babies.... babies of rock 'n roll singers."

A couple of years ago, I bought this zombie-laden DVD movie trio titled, "The Undead Rising." It includes Revolt of the Zombies, Night Of The Living Dead, AND HARD ROCK ZOMBIES. It wasn't until the other night that I finally got to watching the last movie. I can't even describe in my own words the... awesome horribleness?... of this movie. So, here's the description on the back cover:

When Cassie meets Jesse and his friends backstage, she warns them to stop their concert plans in Grand Guignol. The band takes it in stride but seeks refuge from the town's angry parents at a strange mansion. While rehearsing in the mansion's private gardens, they are all brutally killed by a sadistic family of freaks led by ADOLPH HITLER. Hitler comes out of hiding, and with a mysterious pieces of music, Cassie raises the band from the dead to stop Hitler by rocking one final time.

Is that what happened? I can't remember because I was waiting with bated breath for the return of HITLER. That's right: HITLER. Hitler, zombies, LPs, angry mobs, an badass cop with exposed chest hair, big hair, bomb songs, band montages, nudie lady showering, an underage love interest, and Eva Braun-werewolf style . All the makings of a A+++++ movie. **BEST QUOTE EVER: Dudemate #1 (looking at Hitler): What about him? Jesse: Beats the shit out of me. Looks like he eats babies.... babies of rock 'n roll singers.

"They came from the grave to rock 'n roll and MISBEHAVE." Sexy.

Big hair and zombification on left. Underage lust on right.

Pictures from Google Images.

**A LITTLE EXTRA (Kaya in REAL LIFE): My Dad (watching T.V.): Kaya! Come look at these shoes! Me (sauntering over to the couch): What? My dad points to a girl wearing 5" platform Mary Jane wedges with added ankle strap AND STUDS ALL OVER the straps and trim: That's cute! Me (silently in my head): My dad knows me.