"Hell is behind that door! You're going to meet death now... the LIVING DEAD!"

Several years ago when I saw Suspiria in the "Horror Films" section at Blockbuster, I debated with myself whether I should rent it or not. It looked soooooo coooooool sitting there rack but I didn't know anything about it and I didn't want to waste the precious $3.50 sitting in my pocket. So I left it. I probably rented some other sad-sack horror movie (Uzumaki, anybody? Anybody? No? Confusion doesn't equal scary... and neither do spirals) and didn't think about for years. HIGH FIVE TO ME because I finally rented it! High five! Elbow five! And. I. LOVED. IT. I forgive Dario Argento for making the soft-core porn terribleness that was Jenifer (she was the true meaning of "butter face"). But I'm not gonna lie- I don't think I fully understood what happened in the end? Maybe? Upward inflection? But that doesn't matter because it is visually stunning and I do believe I gasped (in horror, nonetheless) during each murder scene. Death by hanging, via skylight? Brutal. Death by barbed wire entanglement? NEW NIGHTMARE. Here are the shitty pictures I took of my t.v. screen. If you squint reaaallly closely, you can see images from the movie:

What is HAPPENING here?! I could live in this hallway/foyer.

It's a pinkish/mauve colored room with Escher-like birds painted on the walls and art deco-styled windows. And a huge urn, natch.

Ummm, YES. Yes to everything in this room.

I had to stitch this together (likes my skillz? hahahah ohhhh).

Again, YES TO EVERYTHING IN THIS ROOM.

I would live in this movie if I didn't think I'd die in some horrible fashion.

All Saints Day... NOOOOOOO!

What's up cable television? Didn't want to play any reasonably scary movies this Halloween weekend? Jaya and I spent most of the weekend talking about and watching terrible movies. Here's a list of the sad, SAD movies we endured this Halloween and All Saints Day (blaaagg... dry heave. you'll see why) holiday: +Halloween (2007 Rob Zombie version): We caught the movie about an 30 minutes in and it wasn't horrible, I guess, but J and I realized we like our killings done with more "passion" and to be a bit more gory. Stabby-stab doesn't do it for me anymore. +The Uninvited: YAAAAAWWWWNNNN fest. We actually watched the entire movie and alls I got to say is, STOP TRYING TO REMAKE ASIAN HORROR FILMS, AMERICA!! Just watch the Korean original, "A Tale of Two Sisters." It gets confusing as shit somewhere towards the end but it's still miles better than facial close-ups of that "Lemony Snickett" girl mouthbreathing. +The Messengers: YAAAAAWWWWNNNN fest pt. II. We watched only 3/4 of the movie and that was more than enough to make me want to slit my wrists. Why, in the year 2006, would anyone, especially a family, hire A DRIFTER? And I totally called out the "Kristen Stewart got drunk and muted her baby brother" plot story five minutes into the opening scene. +Boondock Saints Part II: All Saints Day: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! We didn't watch it but we talked about the first one and the newly released (and "highly anticipated") sequel over lunch and NO THANK YOU JAYA. I'll wait for it to become a "cult success" first, Troy Duffy. +Death Race: J was too angry and tired after all that bad movie watching to stay awake for the only watchable film (save for Halloween 2007- I'll rent and watch the entire movie another time) I saw this weekend. It's got Jason Statham doing what? SURPRISE: Racing cars. I get it and he does it well (not with the emoting, just the whole racing cars deal). An Tyrese Gibson as a possible gay prisoner/racer/friend who DEFACES HIS FACE WITH HASH MARKS? I get it. If I can watch Cannonball, I can watch anything. Count me in. Up next, Suspiria!

All pictures via Google Images

Feelin' Kinda Hinky + Under the Covers October Mixtapes, pt. II. (Plus alittle monkey action)

Here are the mixtapes that I sent out to my [The Monthly Mixtape] buddy. I've been enjoying my Halloween mixtape because it's the first one I've ever made and I ACTUALLY used songs/bands that I rarely listened to before now (i.e. Slint, The Crucifucks). ::10.09 Mixtape: Feelin' Kinda Hinky:: 01/ Devil Town (Daniel Johnston Cover): Noah and the Whale 02/ Goo Goo Muck: The Cramps 03/ Down To Rest: O'Death 04/ Sweet Pot: The Redneck Manifesto 05/ Halloween: Siouxsie and the Banshees 06/ We Share Our Mother's Health: The Knife 07/ Sewn Back: Dethklok 08/ California Uber Alles: Dead Kennedys 09/ Nosferatu Man: Slint 10/ You Give Me The Creeps: The Crucifucks 11/ Freaks Come Out At Night: Whodini 12/ Hang You From The Heavens: The Dead Weather 13/ You'll Find A Way (Switch & Graeme Sinden Remix): Santogold 14/ Thriller (Michael Jackson Cover): Kidz Bop Kids 15/ Guess I'll Forget You: The Black Heart Procession 16/ Killer Klowns From Outer Space: The Dickies ::10.09 Mixtape pt. II: Under The Covers:: 01/ Banquet: Slowbear The Great 02/ Careless Whisper: The Gossip 03/ No Diggity: The Klaxons 04/ The Great Escape: Dan Plus Add 05/ You Can Call Me Al: Hot Club De Paris 06/ Knife: Born Ruffians 07/ Choir Vandals: Ben Gibbard 08/ Heartbeats: Jose Gonzalez 09/ Forever Young: Youth Group 10/ Skulls: The Lemonheads 11/ House of the Rising Sun: Nina Simone 12/ Wild Is The Wind: Cat Power 13/ Speak To Me/Breathe: The Shins 14/ Boys Don't Cry: Japanther 15/ You're So Vain: Faster Pussycat 16/ Hoppipolla: We Are Scientists 17/ Over and Over: The Miserable Rich **A LITTLE EXTRA: Monkey Shines Thank you, George A. Romero, for making a movie about inappropriate monkey love. I forgot to write down the full quote (AHHHHH! IT WAS FUNNY AND AWESOME!) but the main character, Allan the quadriplegic (played by an overemotional Jason Beghe), looks down to Ella, his murder-crazed helper monkey, and says, "Go ahead and try something, fuck face." I laughed and laughed and rewounded it, like, five times. Who calls a monkey "fuck face" and means it? I do now.

I wish I could find a still of Ella the monkey stealing a neck hug! Question: Can you birth a murder monkey from your spine? Answer: Yes, especially after you've bitten it and shook it to death. All pictures found on Google Images

"Looks like he eats babies.... babies of rock 'n roll singers."

A couple of years ago, I bought this zombie-laden DVD movie trio titled, "The Undead Rising." It includes Revolt of the Zombies, Night Of The Living Dead, AND HARD ROCK ZOMBIES. It wasn't until the other night that I finally got to watching the last movie. I can't even describe in my own words the... awesome horribleness?... of this movie. So, here's the description on the back cover:

When Cassie meets Jesse and his friends backstage, she warns them to stop their concert plans in Grand Guignol. The band takes it in stride but seeks refuge from the town's angry parents at a strange mansion. While rehearsing in the mansion's private gardens, they are all brutally killed by a sadistic family of freaks led by ADOLPH HITLER. Hitler comes out of hiding, and with a mysterious pieces of music, Cassie raises the band from the dead to stop Hitler by rocking one final time.

Is that what happened? I can't remember because I was waiting with bated breath for the return of HITLER. That's right: HITLER. Hitler, zombies, LPs, angry mobs, an badass cop with exposed chest hair, big hair, bomb songs, band montages, nudie lady showering, an underage love interest, and Eva Braun-werewolf style . All the makings of a A+++++ movie. **BEST QUOTE EVER: Dudemate #1 (looking at Hitler): What about him? Jesse: Beats the shit out of me. Looks like he eats babies.... babies of rock 'n roll singers.

"They came from the grave to rock 'n roll and MISBEHAVE." Sexy.

Big hair and zombification on left. Underage lust on right.

Pictures from Google Images.

**A LITTLE EXTRA (Kaya in REAL LIFE): My Dad (watching T.V.): Kaya! Come look at these shoes! Me (sauntering over to the couch): What? My dad points to a girl wearing 5" platform Mary Jane wedges with added ankle strap AND STUDS ALL OVER the straps and trim: That's cute! Me (silently in my head): My dad knows me.

"Thirty seconds after you're born you have a past and sixty seconds after that you begin to lie to yourself about it."

I did it. I watched David Cronenberg's The Brood last night and DIDN'T vomit all over myself. I watched Nola (played by Samantha Eggar) give birth to a hate baby and then proceed to lap up all the bloody baby remnants like she was mama cow cleaning off her new born calf. BBBLLLLAAAAAAAGGGGG. I just vomited now. Sorry, delayed reaction. I think I just gaped at the television when the baby licking began and my brain hasn't had time to process it until now. Sooooo, blllllalaaaagggg again. Oh, and that outer-body baby bag! And the baby/munchkin killers, a la "Village of the Damned"! Go wacky over these stills from The Brood. Just make sure you have a puke bucket handy.

The outer-baby bag holder thingy! WHHHHAAAAT, am I right? FUCKKK IT, that's messed up. Even hate spawn get all snuggled up in snow gear. How thoughtful. BROOD: (noun) a family of young animals produced at one hatching or birth. That's one bloody brood.

Tonight, I going to (try to) finish Hard Rock Zombies. There are promises of rock 'n roll, zombies, and Hitler, so it should be good, right?

All pictures from Google Images.